Routine Activity
by marylwhit
Summary: Jack tries to deal with loss. JATE.


**_Hi! Just another Jack-angst, written to avoid studying :) _**

**_Prompt : Tragic Beauty_**

**_A tear jerker, so have the tissues ready.._**

**_x_**

* * *

Everyday was the same for him.

He would get up without sleeping all night, brush his teeth with some herbal plant Sun had found him, help down in the hatch and save someones life.

Then he would go and see Kate.

Having a routine helped the pain, somewhat.

He had ensured his day was always set in stone. There was no time for extras, there was nothing he could change. He poured himself into whatever he was doing, focused on it, and didn't let his mind wander from the skinned knee, or the methodical motion of his feet hitting the ground as he walked to the hatch. It meant that for only a brief period each day, he could dwelling on the past. Only a few moments each day would he have to face the fact she was gone.

And that it was his fault.

Jack could remember the day she died better than any other moment in his life.

He remembered every time he passed her cross in the jungle, every time he closed his eyes to try and get some sleep. Every time he stuck a bandage over someone's knee, and every time he forces his feet to trudge the familiar route in the jungle as he headed for the hatch.

He remembered hearing a gunshot, and feeling his whole body jump in fear. Then a deafening silence. Tension building in his chest, and head spinning as he prayed no one had been hurt. He saw John and Sawyer, then breathed a sigh or relief when his eyes caught the back of Kate's head.

There had been another cruel pause, relief beginning to drain away when Kate didn't respond to his voice, or to his gentle hand falling on her shoulder.

She didn't turn, as he had expected her to. Instead, he watched her fall. Too stunned to open his arms and catch her broken body.

He saw her blood, pooling at the gaping hole in her chest and remembered trying to stop it with his own bunched up t-shirt. He remembered trying to wipe away the tears from her face - tears that were reflected in his own eyes - and only smearing blood across her pale cheek.

He remembered too much.

Jack glanced down at his feet. It was like they moved by themselves. He was moving -_going somewhere? _- he supposed to the hatch, but he couldn't be sure. He didn't care anymore.

As the trees began to clear, Jack saw he wasn't at the hatch at all. He had found his way to the cliffs, the rocky boulders that enclosed him inside his island prison. He knew he shouldn't be there, that it wasn't part of his routine, but something pushed Jack to move forward until his feet teetered on the edge of this world and the next.

He knew it must be about four in the afternoon. He should be in the caves, filling up the water bottles and taking them to the beach for the survivors. Drag the duty out as long as he could so he wouldn't have to go and see Kate that day - something he always did at five.

Jack stood at the edge of the cliff. The prospect of ending his life -_right here, right now_- excited him. Suicide wasn't something that was in his routine, it wasn't planned. It was different, a welcome change, he thought. It would mean that the past year of feeling nothing but misery, despair and loneliness could be over in an instant. A year wouldn't have to be a lifetime, and he would never have to feel anything _ever again._

And at that, Jack smiled. Laughed, even.

He didn't think about who he would leave behind, for the first time, he felt he didn't have to. Sun had Jin, Hurley had Libby, Sawyer had Ana - they would all do just fine. He didn't think about their need for his guidance (_did they ever even ask for a leader?), _and he didn't think of those back home who loved and cared for him, (was there anyone?).

Instead, Jack thought about Kate. Felt her fingertips brushing across his skin, her warm breath on his neck as she whispered into his ear, and her soft lips, gently pressing against his own as he pulled her into him.

He stared down at the ocean, ninety feet below. The waves crashed against the rocks in violent contrast to the calm, serene skies above him.

He remembered getting up that morning. Brushing his teeth with some herbal plant Sun had found him. He remembered helping in the hatch - inputting the code and tidying the bookshelf.

He never did save someones life. But it was alright, nobody had needed saving anyway. Instead he would visit Kate earlier today than he usually would.

It would be a nice change of pace.

* * *

**_Hopefully it wasn't too sad! Please R+R :)_**


End file.
